This is a total stream of conciousness...
I always wonder as I read through blogs if the author is really like that in person. I suppose that each one of us uses a blog for different reasons. For me this started out as a way to document my training issues, accomplishments, worries, etc on the long journey to Ironman. Now, I am struggling in this no mans place...just beginning a program for a Fall Marathon, struggling with food as a drug, and taking care of my family. I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning but I can stay up until midnight watching movies. I struggle with each and every piece of food I put into my mouth...satiating my feelings with junk and then feeling horrible after I do it. I know that I have put on a bunch of pounds...shorts don't fit right, etc. I just wish there was a magic pill I could take to get rid of all this fat but I know the only way to get rid of it is through hard work. I know that I have done it in the past but it was not enough. When I run it feels good but I can't seem to find a way to be consistent with the training.
I don't like the definitions and labels of myself right now. I don't feel like I fit anything (Mom, Wife, Athlete, and I don't know what else) very well. I am in just a bad place. I am in my own pity party. I can't seem to commit to me...to where I really want to be...I want to be back where I was last August when I finished my Ironman and anything was possible...now, it does not feel like that so much. That was a whole other person. I just wish and want so badly to be back there or to be in training. I know the right decision was made to not do Ironman this year. I cannot imagine how we would have been able to do the training along with all the baseball - we would have made it work but it would have been REALLY hard on everyone. Especially my husband. I don't know...
If you met me in real life, you would never know of this struggle. I am not asking for any solutions. I just needed to get this out of my head and somewhere. Here it is...
10 comments:
Laura - this is an honest post, and I think many people can relate to what your going through, including me.
I don't know if I seem in real life like I appear on my blog or not. I do like having the blog to vent about things...and none of my family or 3D friends know about my blog. (that I know of) Oddly, I like it that way.
Some people I've met who have blogs don't seem the same in real life until I really get to know them...then it's there...the bloggy person I know.
I won't offer solutions, but know there are bloggy friends who care about you. One thing I can tell about you as that triathlon is one of the things in your life that brings you joy.
{{hugs}}
...forgot to say that my husband and kids know about my blog :)
Yes, I think a lot of us are not like our blogs. I think I am a different person than what's on my blog. I rarely talk about my problems on my blog..it's the one and only thing I try to stay positive on. God knows we all have struggles and problems, some are just better at telling the rest of us about them..hang in there!
It takes someone very strong to show others the weaker side of themselves. I started blogging and really censored myself at first. I didn't want others to see that side of me. But then I started to really care about the friends I have in this sport, and I know they can relate. And every time I read a post like this, it's a relief. Because it can be a hard measure to stack yourself up against - that perfect athlete. When in reality, we're all human and have a lot of similar struggles. I completely understand where you are coming from. You'll get back there. It's a journey.
Laura!
I sent you an email through Open Tri. Take care! TRIMOM
I found your blog via Ness' blog. Today was the 1st time I read your blog and it is a very serious post, but one I respect. I do think alot of people's core are alot like their blogs...but everyone has their own struggles with various things. GOOD luck to you. Jen H. :)
www.jenharrison.com
I am so sorry I have been vacant on the blog scene lately. Life and its wonders are keeping me these days! I am sorry to hear about Belinda and her family. My prayers are sent out to them.
I have to agree with Jen on this one--that a lot of people's core are in their blogs, wether it's the upbeat, witty side of them, or their misgivings or their vents--once they open up-it's there and it's a shared space of respect and admiration that is felt with their bloggie friends.
Know that God is on this journey with you and that His hand is always ready!
Peace~kodiacbear
I think the best part about this Blog-o-Sphere is that you will find those of us who connect with you in the things that you say, which are really representing what you feel. We are a safe group of friends out here. We can write down what is going on and it helps us process what is happening to us. Then we read one another's words and we think... hey I have felt like that also. We've all got a lot in common and here is where we can see it, connect with one another and through each other's words we can get through it together.
And we don't necessarily need solutions like.... do A, B and C and everything will be allright. Know that I and all of us who read are thinking of you and sending you love and peace. That in itself can become part of the solution.
I say be true to yourself. If you are true to you then the path to wherever you are heading next will reveal itself.
Much love and prayers to you!
With Heart.... Mary
(sigh) it is so nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I hate that I "slipped" back into my bad habits - I too want to be like I was at Ironman. The road back to there seems so long and hard, but I know I can do it.
I sometimes think the things I write aren't me at all, but in actual fact they are the "me" that no-one else really knows. It is the honest me, not the happy carefree me that I am to others. That is an act, and blogging really helps me release all the crap I feel - and there seems to be alot of it.
Blog away, write crap, write funny stuff, just write. At the end of the day it can't hurt!!! And, it might help somebody else (like me) realise that they aren't the only ones who feel like that.
Take care and lots of hugs...
Thanks for puttin' yourself out there. It takes a lot. That's why we're here though.....let r rip girl, anytime.
We got your back
A.
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